Votre bonheur sera toujours pour moi la douleur

I really don’t know if I have to post this but I think this is the only way – to at least lessen my resentment. Knowing that posting posts here and no one seems to read it is therapeutic. So I guess I have to post this.

Okay. I am here keeping my thoughts regarding you and I know you are mad at me. You don’t need to show or let me feel that – even through jokes. The hell I care. Yes. I don’t care if you’re mad at me, it’s never my thing to be involved in “fighting because of a boy” – you know what I mean? Fine he’s yours. Though his over all package is what I’ve been looking for a guy – I know out there, there’s one for me, even better.

I remember everything you said before regarding me and that certain someone. You were like the “match-maker”. Daw sa piho pa sa imo mag hambal nga bagay kmo Krish. Pray for it. Look what happened?! Don’t you understand that I am the one who is more hurt? Look. At least I was never vocal about it. Thank God for that. Don’t you see it’s really hard for me to see everything now? I wish…oh I wish I were in your place. It’s really hard to keep every feeling I feel and see to myself! With no one to share it with (I just thank Chiendy for being the one so sensitive of everything, she feels what I feel). I too need to cry them out just to be okay. And needing to call some close friends just to share this feeling of hurt! That was hard!!! Calling them in inconvenient time and place just to pour out what I feel. So don’t blame me for acting this way.

I also want to let you know that I DON’T JUST SLEEP TO TAKE ALL THE PAIN AWAY – that’s so immature. Yes, I drunk a lot that night just to not feel the pain - in medical term it’s like anesthesia. You should be happy because I was never carried away with “being sober” or let us say “being drunk” in saying what I feel. If I was, wow! That would be the best thing I would bring back home!

If only you were sensitive enough in what I feel, this won’t happen. If you just say that you’ve already fallen for him – simply, I would let you. Though that would hurt. Wait. He’s just a boy, and if you are smart enough you would never be involve in this kind of thing and being easy to get. And if he’s a smart guy, he should speak up and not just acting that he doesn’t care or PARANOID… what’s that? – too gay… This is stupid! I am stupid. You are stupid. He is stupid. Sorry for saying that because I just realized that everything is SO shallow. What’s the deal? And so you know, Votre bonheur sera toujours pour moi la douleur. (Your happiness will always pain for me.)

hopeful girl and my smile
kkcg

PS I don't mean to be MEAN in this blog, it's just a feeling I need to throw away.